Sunday, 15 December 2013

The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math. My K-Hole experience.

14th December 2013.  A night I will never forget, but never relive.
Rave night.
Did a couple of balloons.
Then did a line of k. FUCK I really should have realized how fat the line I did was.
After doing the line, 5 minutes later felt a drip at the back of my throat, it was a burning sensation at first then I could taste the chemicals mixing with my system. I knew what I was doing to my body and mind; still, we do it anyway.

I looked at myself in the mirror and couldn't tell what was coming. Had a drink of water, sat down... then I fell, I fell hard and fast. When you’re entering the K-hole, I swear to god I didn’t even notice that I was drifting into it.
My intention was not to fall into the K-hole, I have experienced an out-of-body experience before with Changa, and this was less intense however I was on MDMA and speed at the time. Changa was intense, beautiful. On the other hand it doesn’t last all that long.
Even though I didn’t know what I was getting into I felt a mix of emotions. I felt rush of excitement and anxiety in anticipation of the effects. They began between five and ten minutes later, I think. The first sign was that my perception had changed slightly, nothing that one could put a finger on, but my conscious awareness of myself and my surroundings had undergone a subtle shift. The second sign was an increasing numbness and tiredness in my body. I couldn’t tell anymore how my body was positioned; there is only one way to put it, and this would to say “I was seeing with my brain” there was no awareness of space or time. I was stuck in a void and it was spreading rapidly across the entire body. I felt as if my body was becoming controlled, puppeteered almost. My hands began to tingle, a sensation like an electric current running through them, and they also felt cold, like they were made of ice. I remember mumbles of people telling me to get off a hot radiator, but I remember it feeling soft and fluffy. It felt like touching cotton wool. Sounds had become distant, stretched out in time, thundering, like a shockwave or tidal wave that washed over me. The drum and bass was controlling what I was seeing, there were spirals of people faces who were trying to talk to me. It doesn’t sound appealing but I felt like I could have died at the moment, there was a bright light and it was blending with light blue squares. As my body forced its way closer to the squares the changes into intricate patters which I’m assuming came from the strobe lights.

Here is a picture of where i felt i was:

There were parts of my khole where I remember looking at my hands and knowing that, the reality that we were living wasn’t real. I don’t want to sound like a hippy, but after that k-hole, I realised so much. I don’t know if it’s possible but I had multiple flashbacks of raves I had been to before, and random ones like watching my life, I looked the same but I couldn’t tell whether it was in the past or future. My best friend was looking after me (Becky) and I remember her voice, saying my name and I tried so hard to hold onto her voice, or grab onto her but I just couldn’t move. After a while Josh had carried me onto a table and put me into a recovery position where I felt like I was foetus getting reborn (Sam’s way of describing it) I had never been so numb but felt EVERYTHING.  When I was lying there I felt everyone’s body energy, I felt all the vibrations, from people talking, breathing, from the music. I saw without seeing. I had no idea where I was and no concept of reality. It was like Alice in wonderland, but more intense. There was a part of the night when I tried to get up from the table which was only a couple inches off the ground, when I looked at the ground, it made me nauseous, I felt like if I got off the table I would have fallen, and died. So I just sat there for a while refusing to get off.

A guy called Eddie had been talking near me, so was a guy called Lewis, when I looked at them I felt like my eyes were a camera set to a slow shutter. Every time I blinked there were traces of where that had walked, I could map out where everyone had been walking. It was like a real time, time lapse (If that makes sense). When the music vibe changes so did my vibes, the traces stopped and suddenly dots on the carpet started moving around on the floor like little people or bugs, I didn’t want to stand on them, life was so important at the time. I had never felt so alone, it sounds so clich√© but I felt like I was looking down on myself, like I was in control, but it was like a movie as well so you had no choice but to watch it till the end. There was a point when I thought to myself, this is going to be the rest of my life, I’m just going to have to accept it, then I thought, but if this is reality, what if this is the truth, the way were supposed to be living and the air we’re breathing is making us act with such hatred and anger and greed. What I thought was, why would Earth, such a beautiful wonderful planet be covered with greed. Earth was made to be admired, and nurtured. After zoning out admiring my thoughts, and the pictures painted by my imagination, I realised that I was finally off the table and I was walking down the stairs (I was obviously sobering up) the stairs were 2D, they were just flat. Even though I was getting lower. We had got to the bottom floor where I got some fresh air and nausea had taken over. My vision was still messed up but my body felt like it was rejecting the whole night, every cigarette I had smoked wanted to get out of my system, It was the only reason I wanted to be smoke, I was covered in it and couldn’t get it off me. The look, the smell, the taste of fags made me decide that I’m going to quit. It made me realise just how DISGUSTING it really is. After getting some fresh air, I went back inside, sat on the wall where lovely ravers were making sure I was okay.

I was trying my hardest to sober up, I know I needed to so I could talk to humans, tell them what I saw. I didn’t like loud music or bright lights whilst I was sobering up, it made me feel sicker. So I had to sit on the bottom floor which was quite-ish whilst I felt my nerves coming back to life, my lips were finally moving in sync with my brain. After drinking A LOT of water and chilling out for a long time I decided do anything to sober up. Drank a few bottles of water and started skanking, it did help. There were points where I need to sit down but people were giving off good vibes and I didn’t feel as embarrassed as I should have because of them. So thank you RAVERS
I just want to thank the bestest friend I could ask for Becky <3 seriously probably would have been left in the corner if it wasn’t for her. Don’t know what I’d do without her. Love you BECKYYY <3
So all in all? K-hole has its pro’s and con’s. It was an experience I’ll never forget and never be able to describe fully. But I don’t want to experience again.

Maybe not the best description, but the only was to really know what it’s like is to do it yourself.

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