Sunday, 15 December 2013

The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math. My K-Hole experience.

14th December 2013.  A night I will never forget, but never relive.
Rave night.
Did a couple of balloons.
Then did a line of k. FUCK I really should have realized how fat the line I did was.
After doing the line, 5 minutes later felt a drip at the back of my throat, it was a burning sensation at first then I could taste the chemicals mixing with my system. I knew what I was doing to my body and mind; still, we do it anyway.

I looked at myself in the mirror and couldn't tell what was coming. Had a drink of water, sat down... then I fell, I fell hard and fast. When you’re entering the K-hole, I swear to god I didn’t even notice that I was drifting into it.
My intention was not to fall into the K-hole, I have experienced an out-of-body experience before with Changa, and this was less intense however I was on MDMA and speed at the time. Changa was intense, beautiful. On the other hand it doesn’t last all that long.
Even though I didn’t know what I was getting into I felt a mix of emotions. I felt rush of excitement and anxiety in anticipation of the effects. They began between five and ten minutes later, I think. The first sign was that my perception had changed slightly, nothing that one could put a finger on, but my conscious awareness of myself and my surroundings had undergone a subtle shift. The second sign was an increasing numbness and tiredness in my body. I couldn’t tell anymore how my body was positioned; there is only one way to put it, and this would to say “I was seeing with my brain” there was no awareness of space or time. I was stuck in a void and it was spreading rapidly across the entire body. I felt as if my body was becoming controlled, puppeteered almost. My hands began to tingle, a sensation like an electric current running through them, and they also felt cold, like they were made of ice. I remember mumbles of people telling me to get off a hot radiator, but I remember it feeling soft and fluffy. It felt like touching cotton wool. Sounds had become distant, stretched out in time, thundering, like a shockwave or tidal wave that washed over me. The drum and bass was controlling what I was seeing, there were spirals of people faces who were trying to talk to me. It doesn’t sound appealing but I felt like I could have died at the moment, there was a bright light and it was blending with light blue squares. As my body forced its way closer to the squares the changes into intricate patters which I’m assuming came from the strobe lights.

Here is a picture of where i felt i was:

There were parts of my khole where I remember looking at my hands and knowing that, the reality that we were living wasn’t real. I don’t want to sound like a hippy, but after that k-hole, I realised so much. I don’t know if it’s possible but I had multiple flashbacks of raves I had been to before, and random ones like watching my life, I looked the same but I couldn’t tell whether it was in the past or future. My best friend was looking after me (Becky) and I remember her voice, saying my name and I tried so hard to hold onto her voice, or grab onto her but I just couldn’t move. After a while Josh had carried me onto a table and put me into a recovery position where I felt like I was foetus getting reborn (Sam’s way of describing it) I had never been so numb but felt EVERYTHING.  When I was lying there I felt everyone’s body energy, I felt all the vibrations, from people talking, breathing, from the music. I saw without seeing. I had no idea where I was and no concept of reality. It was like Alice in wonderland, but more intense. There was a part of the night when I tried to get up from the table which was only a couple inches off the ground, when I looked at the ground, it made me nauseous, I felt like if I got off the table I would have fallen, and died. So I just sat there for a while refusing to get off.

A guy called Eddie had been talking near me, so was a guy called Lewis, when I looked at them I felt like my eyes were a camera set to a slow shutter. Every time I blinked there were traces of where that had walked, I could map out where everyone had been walking. It was like a real time, time lapse (If that makes sense). When the music vibe changes so did my vibes, the traces stopped and suddenly dots on the carpet started moving around on the floor like little people or bugs, I didn’t want to stand on them, life was so important at the time. I had never felt so alone, it sounds so cliché but I felt like I was looking down on myself, like I was in control, but it was like a movie as well so you had no choice but to watch it till the end. There was a point when I thought to myself, this is going to be the rest of my life, I’m just going to have to accept it, then I thought, but if this is reality, what if this is the truth, the way were supposed to be living and the air we’re breathing is making us act with such hatred and anger and greed. What I thought was, why would Earth, such a beautiful wonderful planet be covered with greed. Earth was made to be admired, and nurtured. After zoning out admiring my thoughts, and the pictures painted by my imagination, I realised that I was finally off the table and I was walking down the stairs (I was obviously sobering up) the stairs were 2D, they were just flat. Even though I was getting lower. We had got to the bottom floor where I got some fresh air and nausea had taken over. My vision was still messed up but my body felt like it was rejecting the whole night, every cigarette I had smoked wanted to get out of my system, It was the only reason I wanted to be smoke, I was covered in it and couldn’t get it off me. The look, the smell, the taste of fags made me decide that I’m going to quit. It made me realise just how DISGUSTING it really is. After getting some fresh air, I went back inside, sat on the wall where lovely ravers were making sure I was okay.

I was trying my hardest to sober up, I know I needed to so I could talk to humans, tell them what I saw. I didn’t like loud music or bright lights whilst I was sobering up, it made me feel sicker. So I had to sit on the bottom floor which was quite-ish whilst I felt my nerves coming back to life, my lips were finally moving in sync with my brain. After drinking A LOT of water and chilling out for a long time I decided do anything to sober up. Drank a few bottles of water and started skanking, it did help. There were points where I need to sit down but people were giving off good vibes and I didn’t feel as embarrassed as I should have because of them. So thank you RAVERS
I just want to thank the bestest friend I could ask for Becky <3 seriously probably would have been left in the corner if it wasn’t for her. Don’t know what I’d do without her. Love you BECKYYY <3
So all in all? K-hole has its pro’s and con’s. It was an experience I’ll never forget and never be able to describe fully. But I don’t want to experience again.

Maybe not the best description, but the only was to really know what it’s like is to do it yourself.

Friday, 13 December 2013

In the pursuit of finding him, I lost myself

Story time: 

About 10 months ago, I was still with my ex boyfriend at this time. I woke up feeling unusually anxious. I couldn’t put my finger on the exact reason but I just felt incredibly empty and just so unsatisfied. My boyfriend texted me in the morning asking how I was and when we were going to meet up. That’s when I had the most random-out-of the-blue-meltdown ever. I couldn’t stop crying.
Like Bawling. My. Eyes. Out.
Then it hit me. I had no identity. My identity merged with my boyfriend. I loved being with him much that I didn’t cared to hang out with my friends, didn’t  cared to make connections with people in my class, didn’t make an effort to do any better than just skimming by, didn’t care what i ate, what i consumed, didn’t care about excersing. I didn’t do anything that made me uniquely me. I was depending on him for my entire source of happiness. 
Don’t read that paragraph as, “my boyfriend didn’t let me do anything”…no not at all.
I just had no desire. No motivation.
Anyways, after my meltdown I realized that I needed to make some life changes because, I was entering some unhealthy territory. Not only was it unhealthy for me to not have an identity, but it was also unhealthy for me to depend solely on my boyfriend for my happiness because, if he does something even slightly different than how I saw it in my mind…I got SO upset with him..this was killing our relationship.
Even after telling myself this, i hadn’t done a single thing about it. It got worse, I told myself that I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t who I was anymore. I should have told him that i needed a break from the relationship but i was so dependednt on him that i couldn’t. I was too scared to do things for myself. Everything that i did, i felt like i needed his approval.
Well me and him aren’t together anymore. We had a mess breakup. He was one of my bestfriends and i will never be able to restore that friendship. I should have plucked up the courage to tell him straight that i needed to find myself.
If I’m honest, i think that could have been one of the reasons that we broke up. I has changed, I was no longer the girl he fell in love with, but the girl that was just “there”. Yes there was commitment and security, but butterflies when he texted me? No. Hours of preparation when going to see him? No.
Wish I had done something when I had the chance.
So where am I now? I’m very sad about my lack of contact with the one person who is able to bring so much joy and happiness into my life. So I’ve been doing a lot of crying. But its for the greater good.
I hope one day I’ll be able to love myself, know who I am and be proud to be that person. Then maybe the person standing by my side can be proud of me too.

But the petals insist that i'm loved?

Falling down. Falling in love.
Both hurt like hell, but there is just something about the pain.
Something beautiful. Something real.

You fall down. You bust your knee open. Your knee bleeds.
You fall in love. You bust your heart open. Your heart bleeds.

Touching the wound hurts, but at the same time is satisfying. You put your finger over the gash in your knee. You see the blood pool around your fingertip, and suddenly you feel more alive.
You bleed.

Touching the wound hurts, but at the same time is satisfying. You put an entire person into the hole in your heart. You see the emotions pool around their presence, and suddenly you feel more alive.
You bleed.

You fell.

Disappointment, not anger, suffocated her heart

"I desire thing, which will destroy me in the end"

People seem to be drowning in what seemed to be subconscious thoughts of alternative lives, but you never have the courage to go under, to suffer a little to get that step closer to true happiness. No, we sit in a pool of “satisfactory” and “adequate” not bothering to risk a little to gain a little. There is only one person that you can depend on for your happiness and that person is you. If you are not happy, fix it. Nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it. Compromise where you have to, but do not allow others to push you around. You are not a pet, you do not get told what to do. You are your own person.
When you depend on someone else for your happiness it is bound to fall apart, i sound like a cold hearted-bitch, but everyone that you love will disappoint you sooner or later, and the betrayal will only hurt more from the people that matter more. 

And the truth is, I know he’s never going to miss me. He doesn’t regret anything and it makes me sad because although it has been months since he broke up with me, I’m still not over him. I want to let him go because I know he’s never going to come back to me and tell me all the things I want to hear from him. I’m sick of feeling this way. I want to get over him. I’m tired of hurting.

Love is a four letter word, but so is shit.

When a girl lets you in, she lets you in completely and utterly, she'll share with you the deepest corners of her mind that she pushed so far back it seems unreal just taking those words out of her mouth. It could take days, months or even years for a girl to fully put her trust in someone. But like everything else nowadays, the word is overused and abused. 

If somebody trusts you, it could be for anything. A secret, a wish, a promise even a job. If there's one thing that I’ve learnt from my experience of "trust" is to trust no one. And I mean this with all my heart. When you trust somebody they have the potential to hurt you, expose you and belittle you as a person. 
So why would you bother giving your trust to someone? My ears have grown tired from men and women telling me the same stories. "Why did I tell him that?" and "I can't believe I ever trusted her". Too many tears have been wept, too many hearts have been broken of the people that I hold dear. 

When I say trust no one I do only mean when you meet them at first, if someone is asking you personal questions, do not feel like you have to answer them. This person has done nothing to deserve your trust, they could be a shoulder to cry on but they could just as easily spit on your grave. There is a thin line between respect and trust.. You respect a stranger, but you wouldn't give them you credit card details. There must be more recognition for this.