Friday, 13 December 2013

In the pursuit of finding him, I lost myself

Story time: 

About 10 months ago, I was still with my ex boyfriend at this time. I woke up feeling unusually anxious. I couldn’t put my finger on the exact reason but I just felt incredibly empty and just so unsatisfied. My boyfriend texted me in the morning asking how I was and when we were going to meet up. That’s when I had the most random-out-of the-blue-meltdown ever. I couldn’t stop crying.
Like Bawling. My. Eyes. Out.
Then it hit me. I had no identity. My identity merged with my boyfriend. I loved being with him much that I didn’t cared to hang out with my friends, didn’t  cared to make connections with people in my class, didn’t make an effort to do any better than just skimming by, didn’t care what i ate, what i consumed, didn’t care about excersing. I didn’t do anything that made me uniquely me. I was depending on him for my entire source of happiness. 
Don’t read that paragraph as, “my boyfriend didn’t let me do anything”…no not at all.
I just had no desire. No motivation.
Anyways, after my meltdown I realized that I needed to make some life changes because, I was entering some unhealthy territory. Not only was it unhealthy for me to not have an identity, but it was also unhealthy for me to depend solely on my boyfriend for my happiness because, if he does something even slightly different than how I saw it in my mind…I got SO upset with him..this was killing our relationship.
Even after telling myself this, i hadn’t done a single thing about it. It got worse, I told myself that I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t who I was anymore. I should have told him that i needed a break from the relationship but i was so dependednt on him that i couldn’t. I was too scared to do things for myself. Everything that i did, i felt like i needed his approval.
Well me and him aren’t together anymore. We had a mess breakup. He was one of my bestfriends and i will never be able to restore that friendship. I should have plucked up the courage to tell him straight that i needed to find myself.
If I’m honest, i think that could have been one of the reasons that we broke up. I has changed, I was no longer the girl he fell in love with, but the girl that was just “there”. Yes there was commitment and security, but butterflies when he texted me? No. Hours of preparation when going to see him? No.
Wish I had done something when I had the chance.
So where am I now? I’m very sad about my lack of contact with the one person who is able to bring so much joy and happiness into my life. So I’ve been doing a lot of crying. But its for the greater good.
I hope one day I’ll be able to love myself, know who I am and be proud to be that person. Then maybe the person standing by my side can be proud of me too.

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